Funny tweets – 10.16.2015 (30 tweets)
If you love a man set him free. If he comes back, it means the other woman made lousy sandwiches.
— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) December 5, 2012
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing. But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
— Ricktober (@rickolantern) October 1, 2014
Nobody move. We’ve got a follower missing.
— Rob (@androszr) January 17, 2014
Hipsters are what happens when you indoctrinate an entire generation of children into believing that each and every one of them is special.
— Travis LeBlanc (@TravLeBlanc) December 25, 2012
My husband calls me a control freak. BECAUSE I MAKE HIM CALL ME A CONTROL FREAK.
— Bea Hindwhistle (@Hormonella) November 9, 2011
I don’t really have a problem with people; i just that i have a problem with people who have a problem with me.
— Freud’s Twin (@FreudsTwin) October 12, 2015
For every action, there is a social media overreaction.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) December 18, 2012
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
— Lani (@LaniBeno) January 12, 2014
I really wish my mirror and my camera could agree on what I look like.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) January 11, 2014
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.
— Corey Paterson (@Midgetspar) January 1, 2015
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
— Nathan (@stockejock) April 7, 2014
I can usually tell if something is trending by how much I don’t care about it
— Claudia (@bossy_bootz) August 26, 2015
“Breastfeeding in public is disgusting” said Donald Trump who once remarked that if he weren’t his daughter’s father he would be dating her.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 3, 2015
I make chemistry jokes periodically but geology jokes rock too.
— NonProphetess (@nonprophetess) July 30, 2014
People who don’t understand sarcasm kind of ruin everything I say.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) June 8, 2014
My life is pretty much like when you throw a piece of paper at a trashcan that’s a foot away and miss.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) September 9, 2015
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
— Kate Quigley (@KateQFunny) June 28, 2015
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 5, 2015
Apparently, it’s not ok to tell someone that you didn’t get back to them, because you forgot they exist.
— Californicator (@FloodyHippie) September 6, 2015
Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?
— Creepy Candy (@sixfootcandy) September 22, 2014
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) May 21, 2014
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn’t reach my charger.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) April 13, 2015
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
— MattZilla (@mattZillaaaa) October 10, 2015
The first rule of Fight Club is till death do us part.
— David David Katzman (@AGreaterMonster) October 12, 2015
Halloween is my favorite holiday where I buy a shit ton of candy for all the kids then sit home & ignore the front door while I eat it
— MattZilla (@mattZillaaaa) October 14, 2015
I’m sorry I haven’t followed you back yet, my girlfriend hasn’t completed the background check.
— Midnight Cowboy (@cowboyjeffkent) October 8, 2015
You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don’t apologize.
— stanley behrman (@stanleybehrman) October 11, 2015
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) November 22, 2014
Sorry I got angry & said a lot of things I absolutely meant but shouldn’t have said.
— Sassy Starfish (@kissmeimkinky) January 28, 2013
What I miss from childhood? Teleportation. Many times I have crashed on the couch and ended up in bed. Sadly, does not work anymore.
— Rob (@androszr) November 6, 2013