Funny tweets – 11.19.2015 (24 tweets)
People who write "loosing" when they mean "losing" need to get loost.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 13, 2015
90% of grocery shopping is apologizing for your cart being in somebody's way.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 16, 2015
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
— Sad Peruna (@SadPeruna) November 7, 2012
When I say nothing's wrong what I mean is I want you to spend the next several hours trying to figure out what's wrong -women
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) November 16, 2015
married status… listening to my wife tell me about her day. she only put mascara on one eye today.
— KC of TX (@kcmoore51) June 2, 2015
You really don't want to fuck with me. I can sing so many Disney songs you would lose your shit. That's right, keep walking. Let it go.
— WittySassBasket (@WittySassBasket) February 21, 2015
Apps that ask if I'm sure I wanna exit as if I can't reopen them need to get over themselves.
— Sgt Biggz (@Sgt_Biggz) November 17, 2015
Finally something positive happened in Charlie Sheen's life.
— Colt 45 & 2 Zigzags (@JeremyKCMO) November 16, 2015
If you didn't learn the lesson from your first scar, sadly you deserve the second one.
— мя gяєєи (@iGreenMonk) November 10, 2015
Moms on Pinterest making rainbow spaghetti and I'm over here on the couch trying to lasso a bag of chips with my phone charger
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) November 15, 2015
Someone on Facebook just worked out. They feel awesome.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) May 22, 2014
Sorry, I didn't know you were interrupting.
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) November 13, 2015
I'll give you 5 minutes to yourself, but only 10 seconds at a time. -kids
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) November 12, 2015
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
— Rev.Thurl Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) June 16, 2015
My mind has two settings: disinterested and stalker-level obsessed.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) September 11, 2015
I would go crazy without the voices in my head.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) October 22, 2015
The 80s were great because I didn’t have to look at your selfies.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) September 10, 2015
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I'm not drinking.
— Matt Gallo (@mattgallo123) April 12, 2015
I'm not saying you're stupid you just suck at being smart
— Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) June 28, 2015
Why am I always the last to know that I'm in an open relationship?
— Henry_3k (@Henry_3k) October 28, 2015
Why do baby clothes have pockets? I've never heard a baby say: "cigarettes,phone and keys alright let's go"
— Beth Vader (@heroinsdemise) October 19, 2015
Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
— Dare To Meh! (@TheAlexNevil) November 17, 2015
Donald Trump believes there aren't any problems he can't overcomb.
— C'est la vie (@Robert_Beau) June 18, 2015
To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status "it's complicated" How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?
— The Sorry Canadian (@darrinfb) October 4, 2015