Funny tweets – 11.28.2014 (22 tweets)
I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not pretending to be something I’m not.
— Jelly (@MischievousJam) November 24, 2014
Avoiding work like a fucking champion…. — K (@Miss_Kris85) November 24, 2014
Hating people feels so damn right, it can’t be wrong.
— Boobarella (@BakedElle) November 24, 2014
My signature move is making men regret ever talking to me in the first place. — Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) November 23, 2014
I’m not always big on revenge… sometimes I use small caliber weapons
— Evil Dad (@evildadatron) November 23, 2014
I don’t lie. – People who lie. — Commonly not common (@regularguy911) November 22, 2014
I wouldn’t be so selfish if everything wasn’t about me. — mjkspeaks (@mjkspeaks) November 20, 2014
The first ten minutes of my sex tape is just me apologizing for what you’re about to watch.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) November 20, 2014
It’s just like my nana used to say: Grow out your bush. If he doesn’t notice, he’s cheating. — Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) November 20, 2014
I think I’m going to sit in my car and take a selfie and pretend I’m going somewhere.
— Reese’saremy#1 (@MonaRuby1984) November 20, 2014
Prescription: Do not take 1 hr before or 2 hrs after eating. HA! These antibiotics think there’s a 3 hr window where I’m not eating?! — Kevin Tweets Stuff (@kevindividual) November 20, 2014
Your mom called. She’s uninviting you to thanksgiving dinner cause she saw you ‘liked’ Atheism on Facebook
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) November 20, 2014
Sex?? The hell is that?? I get a bit nervous just trying to insert my charger into my phone. — Sparky (@crunchenhanced) November 19, 2014
My husband’s text gone wrong: H: I have a hot date tonight. M: With who? Me? H: Yes. Yoi Now I need to find this Yoi bitch.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 19, 2014
Fuck Christmas and fuck these Christmas lights -Guy putting up Christmas lights today, probably — Not_Carlito’s_Way (@close_c) November 19, 2014
You can’t unfollow me, I already named our kids.
— Natural Jazaster (@Jazzzzzmina) November 18, 2014
Anytime I bump into my old girlfriend’s husband, I always smile and ask him “How’s my old xbox?” — Bmad (@1_swarthy_dude) June 17, 2014
Dance like no one is watching, Because they’re not. They’re looking at their phone.
— Dark Angel ? (@3rd_darkangel) November 24, 2014
if it wasn’t for us, all you motherfuckers would be miserable after a long day at work -alcohol and drugs — Manguis (@TlaxBoy05) November 26, 2014
Has anyone got a suitcase full of money they don’t want? …or diamonds? I’m not fussy, whatevs
— EmMama (@EmmaUtters) November 27, 2014
Relationship status: Sends messages from the other room. — James (@pplwtching) November 14, 2014
I would lower my standards for you.
— mjkspeaks (@mjkspeaks) November 20, 2014