Funny tweets – 11.10.2014 (18 tweets)
What a beautiful day. Let's go sit in a dark bar and drink til the sun goes down.
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) November 9, 2014
Guess who's watching Vin Diesel movies all day again? That's right: Vin Diesel.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) November 8, 2014
Today a three-year-old child who I've never met before told me to shut up, and I wasn't even talking.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) November 7, 2014
Hey FOX, if I wanted baby updates I'd just go on Facebook…
— Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo) October 29, 2014
my dad finally came back from getting cigarettes 12 years ago im so happy!!! yeah u can meet him soon he just left to grab smokes
— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 2, 2014
what idiot called them pregnant women and not bodybuilders
— nicole (@relatabledad) May 30, 2013
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don't need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) August 31, 2014
what do you mean beagle isn't the shortened name for a bald eagle. honey why did you bring home a dog. where the fuck is my bald eagle karen
— eric (@dubstep4dads) November 5, 2014
Symptoms of ebola may include vomiting, diarrhea, bleeding from the eyes or rectum and an irresistible urge to travel.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) October 17, 2014
I hope GoDaddy's customer support service is called DaddyIssues.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) November 9, 2014
Alcohol activates the "we need to take pictures now!" center of my brain.
— dance blessed (@dance_blessed) September 28, 2014
Can't write jokes? Have you considered being really mean to people who do?
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) November 5, 2014
Sorry I'm late I got distracted thinking about a T. Rex playing a ukelele and ended up brushing my teeth for 27 minutes
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) November 10, 2014
I got my opinion waxed and it hurt realreal bad.
— Elle DeBarge (@ElleOhHell) November 8, 2014
.@Garfield Why do you hate Mondays it's not like you have to work you lazy piece of garbage
— UNTRESOR (@UNTRESOR) November 10, 2014
If you're in the elevator with one other person, wait until the doors close and say "Thank you for seeing me on such short notice"
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) November 6, 2014
I wouldn't call myself a stalker. I just like following people I think are funny and sexy;)
— I think i'm famous (@ADaylatehipster) November 9, 2014
You know which bird would be really good at twitter? Tweety Bird.
— Doober Pooberton (@daneZie) November 9, 2014