Funny tweets – 2.11.2015 (23 tweets)
Sex jokes are overrated…I mean…cum on people.
— Michelle (@3rd_darkangel) February 4, 2015
My 6 year old asked me what marriage was like so I ignored him for a week then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.
— revious (@revious) February 3, 2015
Lets celebrate the fact that the crazies are busy on twitter & not roaming the streets.
— van (@vanluvz1) February 3, 2015
90% of my money is spent on beer. I waste the other 10%.
— revious (@revious) February 2, 2015
I think I’m too slow for speed dating.
— Vikkapotamus (@vikkaroni) January 29, 2015
Women make better Ghostbusters than men because we are used to caring about invisible problems no one else believes in.
— Stacey Nightmare (@STACEYNIGHTMARE) January 28, 2015
My idea of the perfect date is watching tv while I eat a lot
— MattZilla (@mattZillaaaa) January 27, 2015
It’s not considered running from your problems if you do it while you’re sitting down.
— ShotofCherye (@CheryeDavis) January 14, 2015
Just found out Chuck Norris has bodyguards AND A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO
— Rickneedsleep (@rickolantern) January 13, 2015
My top five drinks of choice: 1. Alcohol 2. Alcohol 3. Alcohol 4. Alcohol 5. Alcohol
— STEEL HEARTED BITCH (@OrignalceQueen) January 14, 2015
My ex always told me he was going to trade me in for a newer model – to that I say they don’t make them like they used to.
— JJ (@Overxposd) January 13, 2015
Global warming is actually caused by people rhyming the words fire and desire in their horrible poetry.
— Godless Goomba (@ObscureGent) January 13, 2015
My plan B is usually just giving up on things and admitting failure.
— The Happy Chemist (@68Cly29) January 12, 2015
The key to victory is to keep drinking until you forget you’re a loser.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) January 9, 2015
I’m really good at making people think their opinions matter to me.
— Slim (@DanorSlim) January 8, 2015
I bought a high-end treadmill a week ago. I haven’t had money for food since then, and now I’ve lost ten pounds.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) January 7, 2015
When taking tequila shots, I can never remember what to do first: lick the salt, suck the lime, or projectile vomit on the stripper.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) January 7, 2015
If I ever use the word “bae” in my sms, I’ve been kidnapped and am trying to message you.
— It’s Claudy bitch (@itsclaudybitch) January 7, 2015
I keep my friends close and my enemies tied up in the basement.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) January 6, 2015
If I wrote a book about my transformation from being a Christian to an Atheist it would be called ‘From Christianity to Sanity’.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) January 7, 2015
Some of my happiness comes from staying away from idiots.
— Donna T (@sweetg35) January 10, 2015
“I can’t believe how cold it is outside!” – people that don’t understand how winter works.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) January 5, 2015