Funny tweets – 2.21.2015 (22 tweets)
Just tried on a pair of skinny jeans and the mirror refused to give me a reflection.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) February 5, 2015
An alarmingly high percentage of my day is spent waiting for people to shut up and go away.
— Lani (@LaniBeno) February 9, 2015
I want one of those jobs where you can just sit in a coffee shop all day pretending to type stuff on a laptop.
— mynameisJimmy (@jimmy_sharpe) February 13, 2015
Texting and driving is pointless. No way you’re reaching the green swinging with one hand.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 14, 2015
Fully awake and ready for a day of avoiding people.
— Raneem A (@NotRaneem) February 15, 2015
There’s this song by No Doubt called “Don’t Speak” that I think you should be inspired by.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) February 15, 2015
Everyone deserves a chance to disappoint you.
— mjkspeaks (@mjkspeaks) February 16, 2015
I don’t need telling twice. Six or seven times is normally best.
— mynameisJimmy (@jimmy_sharpe) February 16, 2015
I am remarkably talented at being average.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 16, 2015
I have mastered the fine art of being unfollowed. Classes start at 11pm. I am your sensei.
— Mediocre Marvel (@eliserose5) February 17, 2015
My superhero name is The Hyperventilator.
— David David Katzman (@AGreaterMonster) February 17, 2015
I hate when you have no clean shirts and have to wear your halloween costume in mid February
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) February 19, 2015
I play hard to get rid of.
— Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) February 18, 2014
I’ve been trying to be an overnight success for the past 30 years.
— mynameisJimmy (@jimmy_sharpe) February 19, 2015
An extra few days in bed this morning would have been good.
— mynameisJimmy (@jimmy_sharpe) February 20, 2015
Hi, I’m not emotionally available to take your call right now, please hang up after the beep.
— moody monday (@mdob11) January 22, 2015
I just want someone who is an incredibly bad judge of character to love me for who I am.
— Bread John (@Breadery) February 2, 2015
The only appointments I’m ever on time for are disappointments.
— Daniel Plainview (@10InchesPlus) January 8, 2013
“I have a name, asshole.” -Jessie’s girl
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 11, 2014
At this point I’ll date anyone as long as they have an English accent. Or tattoos. Or dark hair. Or they smile at me. Or they look at me.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 20, 2015
Please don’t waste my time. I can do that myself.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) February 18, 2015