Funny tweets – 5.23.2015 (16 tweets)
Ignoring people is the most social thing I do.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) May 9, 2015
There's only 3 kinds of people that smile. Happy people. Fake people. And babies that just farted.
— just another asshole (@HaRdY804) February 20, 2015
My circle has gotten so small that it's now a dot.
— just another asshole (@HaRdY804) May 15, 2015
I need an RSVP option that says I won't be bringing a plus one, but I will be drinking for two.
— Alley Cat (@deardilettante) May 18, 2015
Your ignorance might be bliss for you, but it’s giving us smart people headaches.
— Nicole Laser (@Ms_Laser) November 5, 2012
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
— Lemmy Cobain (@lemmywinkler) May 5, 2015
For every 'drug deal gone bad' you hear about on the news, thousands and thousands go swimmingly
— Mish (@mish_ruffi) May 20, 2015
Mistakes don’t care if you can afford them.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) May 20, 2015
Your big ass truck doesn't impress me… Unless you'll let me drive it.
— Cheeky (@CheekyDre) May 18, 2015
I'm a high functioning dysfunctional.
— Kazmorphosis (@kaztharsis) May 18, 2015
Unfortunately the worst things in life are also free.
— Kazmorphosis (@kaztharsis) December 21, 2012
This imaginary diet is exhausting
— Sweet with a Kick (@Dash_of_Crazy) May 21, 2015
On the advice of everyone I know, I finally bought some vitamins. If something miraculous doesn't happen tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed.
— NickNackPaddyWhack (@RadioNichole) May 1, 2015
Dumb people shouldn't buy smartphones.
— It's Claudy bitch (@itsclaudybitch) May 21, 2015
Getting a face tattoo guarantees that you'll never be asked to babysit.
— Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2) May 21, 2015
When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see that I'm not the cunt.
— 333 Natsack (@_NTFG_) February 9, 2014