Funny tweets – 6.20.2015 (48 tweets)
What I want, I can't have What I have, I don't want What I need to do, I can't What I can't do, I have to
— Cheshire (@BrownBoxers) March 13, 2015
The only thing worse than a bitchy woman.. Is a bitchy man.
— VJUSTV (@MissvalCa) April 19, 2015
My son is reporting there are monsters in his closet so I'm tweeting this from the neighbor's house.
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 30, 2014
I just found my old Nokia phone from 2003. It still has 87% battery life left.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) June 3, 2015
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU'VE GOTTEN
— Steve Dutzy (@SteveDutzy) December 24, 2014
I've started cross fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit.
— Julie Snark (@JulieSnark) December 6, 2014
My girlfriend's father got mad that I proposed to her without asking him first but there's just no way I would ever marry that guy.
— Brian (@Black__Elvis) June 17, 2015
Drugs don't kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 11, 2015
Hope you get everything you weren't looking for
— @ndiquote (@ndiquote) June 14, 2015
Odds are good that if you see a guy with a ponytail and jorts, if you ask nicely he'll surely show you his super sweet nunchuck moves.
— It's Stephanie (@Snarfernini) June 16, 2015
Satnavs and smartphones have ruined my hobby of giving strangers the wrong directions.
— ʇɹnʞ (@KrazykurtKurt) June 10, 2015
After a blind taste test it was determined that nobody cares which cola they’re drinking if you add enough alcohol.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) June 10, 2015
I’m thankful for lots of things, but mostly that I’m still too young to play bingo.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) June 12, 2015
Relationship status: Missing batteries in all my remote controls.
— Naughty Bits (@Naughtybits247) May 12, 2015
Revenge is a dish best served on paper plates 'cause I ain't cleaning up that shit.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 4, 2013
I shaved my legs and now I'm telling y'all about it because someone besides me should know.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) June 10, 2015
Make yourself at home. Start over there with the dishes.
— Will (@vexroid) January 30, 2015
I hate when films say " 'MAY' contain nudity?" Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME
— мя gяєєи (@iGreenMonk) January 15, 2015
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
— Dan (@Social_Mime) November 16, 2013
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I've had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
— ʇɹnʞ (@KrazykurtKurt) September 8, 2013
I’m willing to ruin things if you are.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) December 28, 2014
"Mr. Snow we have good news/bad news situation. The stab wounds were not deadly. But your insurance only covers up to four stabs wounds."
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 15, 2015
I always laugh and laugh when runners say they do it for fun. It's like they've never heard of sex or alcohol.
— Sweet with a Kick (@Dash_of_Crazy) June 13, 2015
Sometimes I have hope for humanity, then I remember there are millions of idiots anxiously waiting for Kim Kardashian's next selfie.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) June 12, 2015
My dance moves are usually described as "sir, please stop you're scaring people."
— Parentpains (@Parentpains) June 16, 2015
One door closes, another opens – but that horrible hallway in between.
— 818 (@818Newbie) April 2, 2015
Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
— Parentpains (@Parentpains) April 14, 2012
My car is basically a $34,000 phone charger.
— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 3, 2015
When it comes to relationships women know all the rules because women make all the rules. Related: Men don't even know there are rules…
— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) June 11, 2015
Does Caitlyn realize how long the bathroom line is for women?
— Roxy (@rockthechuck) June 3, 2015
Maybe if we stopped making hundreds of cooking competition shows we could actually feed the hungry.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 13, 2015
Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I've ever talked to.
— Ignoble Savage (@drayzze) March 3, 2014
If you're using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too. Inspirational tweet.
— Jillian (@breatheandlove) October 17, 2013
My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 13, 2014
The key to happiness is having a shitty memory.
— Miss Malbec (@MissMalbec) October 17, 2014
Eating healthy is real easy until I get hungry.
— Junior (@erinbee82) March 25, 2015
I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for their eyebrows or the way they chew.
— Svenn Amish (@amishschool) June 1, 2015
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor." -People who are too stupid to understand sarcasm
— Horatio Quartzjixler (@Quartzjixler) March 26, 2015
Trying not to be sarcastic when people keep saying stupid things is like being on a diet and people keep offering you snacks.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) June 15, 2015
Nothing makes me feel more American than emptying my savings account to pay medical bills.
— Samantha Haack (@SamanthaRae49) June 2, 2015
I introduce myself as being fat so people know that I know.
— Rev.Thurl Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) June 5, 2015
"Grow a pear." – How to insult an apple tree
— Alex Schubert (@GroperCleveland) January 22, 2012
I don't know what it is either, but it was on sale.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) February 10, 2013
– Mom, am I handsome? - Ask your girlfriend. - What girlfriend? - Exactly.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) April 12, 2015
Hey, that song "Summertime Sadness" is about people that wear Crocs, right?
— Mike Stanley (@Mikestanley1) May 28, 2015
Welcome to adulthood, here's lots of bills & pills.
— Earnest August (@earnestaugust) June 6, 2015
Fuck archery and tennis. I want a summer camp that teaches kids to pick up their shit and do stuff without complaining.
— Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) June 6, 2014