Funny tweets – 6.6.2015 (20 tweets)
My doctor said I had to cut my drinking by half. So I eliminated the Tonic.
— Try The Veal (@TylerLinkin) May 29, 2013
People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 5, 2015
I'm glad I went out tonight so I could stare at my phone from a different location.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) June 9, 2013
I like how so many homophobic men assume every gay man wants them. Sorry fellas, they're just like women, in that very few of them want you.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) May 1, 2015
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
— Lisabug BBQJones (@Lisabug74) January 5, 2015
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) October 16, 2013
A lot of my problems seem to start by waking up in the morning.
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) March 19, 2015
[At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) April 2, 2015
People say you are what you eat, but I don't remember eating someone in their thirties who hadn't accomplished any of their dreams.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) May 19, 2015
My workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) January 10, 2014
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
— Alley Cat (@deardilettante) September 17, 2014
Don't feel bad, intelligence isn't for everyone.
— Alley Cat (@deardilettante) April 10, 2015
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 27, 2013
One day I'm going to cure blindness. You'll see! You'll all see!
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) March 7, 2015
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I'd still be in bed instead of talking to people.
— Mofo (@GreeneyedMofo) June 1, 2013
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
— Craving (@calluptome) December 12, 2011
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) May 28, 2013
[At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly
— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) February 23, 2015
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.
— Sweet Slips (@Ndeshi_M) May 14, 2015
When I look back on my life I can't help but smile and think "Wow, that's an impressive amount of bad decisions."
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) June 5, 2015