Funny tweets – 7.18.2015 (26 tweets)
I stopped chasing my dreams. The last time I chased one I ended up in handcuffs with a restraining order on me.
— Serial Fuckup (@SerialFuckup) July 13, 2015
Everything is free if you can run fast enough
— Bruce (@BruceForce) July 9, 2015
Keep your friends close and your wine closer.
— Belucci (@ThatSapphireBel) June 17, 2015
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.
— DaBear (@astutenewf) November 11, 2013
One little drink won't hurt. If it does, have another.
— мя gяєєи (@iGreenMonk) July 16, 2015
The best way to forget a person is to use them as a password.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) December 27, 2014
You know, if you stop wishing for something, and start working for it. You just might get it.
— GrumpyMan (@GrumpyBahr) December 22, 2013
Divorce, because simply ignoring them will not make them go away!
— GrumpyMan (@GrumpyBahr) January 10, 2014
Make sure you act human and blame someone else for your problems today.
— JustSomeFool (@just1fool) July 13, 2015
Behind every beautiful woman there's another woman criticizing her. And behind that woman, there's a man comparing both of their asses.
— SpanishFly➰ (@SpanishFly27) July 18, 2015
People lie about their ages all wrong. You should be making yourself older, not younger. I just look ok for 27 but I look amazing for 40.
— Samantha Haack (@SamanthaRae49) May 25, 2015
Describe your sex life in two words. "My what?"
— SpanishFly➰ (@SpanishFly27) September 28, 2013
I thought about going out and meeting new people, but I don’t even want to meet the people I already know.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) July 6, 2015
My dream is to become a chef, but I’m also a pyromaniac, so I’m torn between making a great dinner and burning the hell out of it.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) July 12, 2015
It would be awesome if they changed the length to kids movies from 1.5 hours to 5 hours.
— Boston Girl (@bgirl314) July 14, 2015
You could hit some people with an iron and they still wouldn't understand irony.
— DevilryFun (@DevilryFun) July 15, 2015
If you eat the desserts before the meal, does that make it an eating disorder? Asking for me.
— Maya (@ladyignoble) July 15, 2015
Being a stand-up comic sounds like a lot of standing to me.
— The Happy Chemist (@68Cly29) July 17, 2015
I was born without you, so obviously I don't need you to survive.
— мя gяєєи (@iGreenMonk) July 4, 2015
Karate seems like a lot of work just to get a few different-colored belts.
— мя gяєєи (@iGreenMonk) July 3, 2015
I call my penis Vin Deisel because it looks fucking bad ass but really isnt that great a performer
— Algernon Curruthers (@Kilgore_Studge) November 9, 2014
I'm not saying don't trust the internet but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I've won & the number of ipads I own
— BambamVictoria (@BambamVictoria) February 19, 2013
Polygamy: The more the marry-er.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) July 3, 2015
Marriage is finding that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life.
— мя gяєєи (@iGreenMonk) June 29, 2015
Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks.
— Cabo (@Shot_Of_Cabo) August 10, 2014
why do baby's clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2014