Funny tweets – 7.3.2015 (22 tweets)
Perks of dating me : I'm too lazy to cheat on you
— Kitty.Shitty (@KittyShittyy) June 17, 2015
Has anyone ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are those people just trying to ruin my life?
— FunnyOneLiners (@Funnyoneliners) June 22, 2015
I think I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.
— FunnyOneLiners (@Funnyoneliners) May 29, 2015
I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) March 14, 2015
I just want to be hot enough to put "No DMs" and "AVI is me" in my bio.
— Brunette Bombshell (@Jazzzzzmina) June 23, 2015
I am still drinking about you
— Kitty.Shitty (@KittyShittyy) October 10, 2014
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
— Sofa King Яickety (@iinkedZombie) August 2, 2014
I don't have a drinking problem, I'm very good at it
— Shawn of the Fed (@JuanSalton) January 3, 2013
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
— You Know!!!!!!!!!!!! (@Scorpio1080) March 6, 2013
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
— Donna T (@sweetg35) September 19, 2012
People who wonder whether the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.
— America's Henchman (@TheDailySchmuck) January 8, 2015
4 out of 5 dentists agree: Remove the shell from your coconuts before biting into them.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 19, 2015
It's only a matter of wine before you feel better.
— DevilryFun (@DevilryFun) June 21, 2015
I'm old enough to forgive & forget. Not because i'm forgiving, but because i forget things.
— Freudian Trip (@NJFreudian) June 8, 2015
Some people you hate right away and others you have to marry first.
— n2o (@1evilidiot) June 19, 2015
Marriage is finding that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life.
— мя gяєєи (@iGreenMonk) June 29, 2015
I accept the fact you hate me; please accept the fact that it doesn't bother me.
— 818 (@818Newbie) June 28, 2015
Me? Just livin' the nightmare, man. Livin' the nightmare.
— David David Katzman (@AGreaterMonster) October 23, 2014
Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks.
— Cabo (@Shot_Of_Cabo) August 10, 2014
Oh yeah? Well I faked all my erections!
— Cabo (@Shot_Of_Cabo) December 17, 2013
There are plenty of ways to do something wrong and I know them all.
— JustSomeFool (@just1fool) July 1, 2015
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
— Underchilde (@Underchilde) July 3, 2015